Keziah is weaned. I'm going to officially declare it. I don't even remember the last time she nursed. My best guess is that she nursed once in October, maybe November. I had always imagined that I would know when our very last nursing session was happening. I imagined I would savor it, gaze into her eyes, tell her how much I loved her, let it go on for extra long, and then she would unlatch, we would smile at each other, take a deep breath and cross over into the next stage of our relationship together. Yes I'm laughing as I write that. I guess that is how it would be in the movie of my life. But in real life, like every other milestone, it just happened. And then I woke up one day and realized I couldn't remember the last time. Keziah eases slowly and gently into everything. She prefers a lot of time to process things. And weaning was no different.
In the beginning...
I planned to breastfeed. I knew it was best. I wanted to experience it. But that was as far as my thoughts went on the matter. I had no time table in my head. I had few expectations. I was too concerned with being successful in the beginning, weaning was not even on my radar. When I met with Keziah's pediatrician for the first time, just days before she was born, he talked to me for an hour. And 45 minutes of the hour was about breastfeeding. He was passionate about it. I had chosen my doctor because he was home-birth friendly and open-minded about alternative healthcare. So I wasn't surprised he was pro-breastfeeding. But his passion still surprised me. He recommended I breastfeed for a minimum of two years and exclusively for the first year. When I mentioned that allergies run in both sides of our family he said three years would be better. I walked out thinking that seemed like a long time. Everyone I knew weaned their babies by a year. But I was suddenly open minded to the possibility of nursing much longer. When I stopped at the receptionist's desk on the way out, she too asked if I was going to breastfeed. Yes, I told her. "Good for you," she said. And then pointing to her son (who was about six or seven and at work with her because it was Christmas break), she said, "hey, he nursed for over three years. He's never sick. Best decision I ever made." I smiled and thought, wow this whole office is passionate about breastfeeding. But I liked that. I knew they would support me. In addition, I had an amazing mid-wife who doubled as a lactation consultant, and the support of all my extended family. I was ready to go.
Just minutes old
(My facial expression says, 'holy cow this hurts!')
Finding our stride
Like a lot of first time moms, I had a somewhat rocky start. It took a week for my milk to come in and I had a really low supply. Keziah lost a lot of weight. I nursed her every 45 minutes for two straight weeks and my body finally figured out how to make a lot of milk. Thankfully, I had a lot of support. Everyone around me said, you can do this, just keep at it. By six weeks we settled into a nice rhythm. Nursing just became part of everyday life. And I loved every minute of it.
Pausing for a nursing break during a hike
Other than getting a plugged milk duct a couple of times, the first year of nursing continued along pretty smoothly. We started offering solid food every now and then at about 7 months. But Keziah was never interested. She would smell the food, play with it, but not really eat anything. And it was nice that I didn't have to worry about it because she was still nursing so much. Her chunky thighs and healthy weight were all the evidence I needed to know she was doing just fine with exclusive breastfeeding.
10 months and still going strong
Her first birthday came and went. She finally did become more interested in solid foods. But she still nursed quite a lot. She was even still night nursing. I loved being able to comfort her when she was hurt or give her nourishment when she was teething molars and didn't want to eat anything. If my errands took longer than usual and I forgot a snack, nursing was sufficient. If we went out to eat and the service was slow, nursing would keep her happy until the food came. Needing her to be quiet in an overstimulating environment - a quick nursing session would immediately relax her. It was a great insurance policy for a first time mom who wasn't always prepared. I couldn't even consider weaning. It just made sense to keep going.
Boundaries, Boundaries!
As I began to connect to more moms of nursing toddlers, I couldn't help but notice a recurring theme. They talked about nursing boundaries a lot. The boundaries looked different for every family. But it soon became clear that boundaries are what save your sanity when you choose to nurse a toddler. Keziah developed a bad twiddling habit around 15 months and so the rule became 'you have to hold my hand or keep your hands to yourself if you want to nurse'. I taught her that pulling at my shirt was inappropriate and she needed to use her words to ask to nurse. There is nothing cuter than a smiling one year old asking, "nummies pease?"
Pregnant Nursing - Oh my!
We didn't expect to get pregnant with our second baby so quickly, but when Keziah was 18 months old, we ventured into pregnant nursing. Thankfully, my milk never dried up, and she continued on as if nothing was different. Around my second trimester, my milk turned more colostrum and less sweet, but she didn't seem to care. Although I do think it was a natural encouragement to her night-weaning. At 21 months old, we woke up one morning and I realized she hadn't nursed all night. I made a big deal about how proud I was of her and just like that, she was night-weaned. Some nights she would wake up and ask but I would just remind her we could nurse in the morning and offer her some water.
my pregnant belly made for a nice pillow after nursing to sleep
Easy night-weaning was a big blessing from pregnant nursing, but nursing while pregnant definitely came with some challenges. With both of us growing bigger quickly, it became hard to nurse comfortably without a big comfy chair or bed. Also, I experienced major nursing aversion from extra sensitive skin and nipples. Sometimes nursing would give me a crazy creepy-crawly feeling that was unbearable. More boundaries saved the day. I taught Keziah to nurse to the count of three. "3-2-1 transition" was a tool we were already using in everything from leaving the park to clean-up time so she was familiar with it. I could count down as slowly or as quickly as I needed to and then she would unlatch. The nursing chair/bed boundary was also a great way to reign in the requests to nurse that came at rather inconvenient times and places. If she asked to nurse in the middle of grocery shopping, I could say, "well, there's no nursing chair or bed here, we'll have to wait until we get home." And she would accept that as a perfectly reasonable answer. When Keziah turned two, I felt a sense of pride that we had stuck it out that long. I was reaping the benefits. She was almost never sick and had no allergies. We had a strong bond that was unshakable through hard days and stressful seasons. It didn't make sense to stop just because she turned two, so we carried on.
Tandem Nursing
As my pregnancy neared its end and Keziah showed no signs of weaning, I began to prepare for tandem nursing. I found the La Leche League book, Adventures in Tandem Nursing, to be immensely helpful. Sweet images of my two babies nursing together and holding hands filled my dreams.
Tandem for the first time (Reuel is only 1 hour old)
In reality, tandem nursing was more challenging than I expected. When super sweet newborn milk came back, she decided maybe she'd just go back to nursing every two hours and give up solid foods! She didn't understand why her new baby brother could nurse whenever he wanted and she couldn't. We came up with a game that really helped. I showed Keziah her brother's mouth and asked her what was missing. "Teeth!" she exclaimed with a giggle. Then I would ask, "Do you think he could eat apples with no teeth?" And she would reply "no" and giggle. And so I would keep asking this question using all her favorite foods as examples. She thought this game was so much fun and I was so silly. She would keep giggling and saying no. And then I would ask, "well then what can he eat?" as if I really didn't know and she would yell, "Nummies!" I also made her my special helper in charge of water because I always forgot to grab some before I sat down to nurse. So she would go find my water bottle and bring it to me. Eventually she got use to the idea that Reuel needed to nurse a lot more than she did. She took on her roll as big sister seriously. She would not let Reuel cry for even a second. If he started to get fussy she would remind me, "Mommy, Reuel needs to nurse!" And in the end, I honestly believe tandem nursing was a huge help in easing her transition from only child to sibling.
The Magic Button
A friend of mine once referred to nursing as "the magic reset button for a two year old". She summarized nursing a two year old perfectly. I did not find age two to be "terrible" at all despite all the references. In fact, two was one of my favorite ages. Nursing a two year old does become less about nutritional needs (although I certainly believe there is still significant nutritional value) and more about emotional needs. Two is a tough age where kids are trying to navigate the bridge between babyhood and childhood. At one moment they are fiercely independent, the next they are hanging on to babyhood for dear life. It's no wonder emotional meltdowns are common. And just as my friend promised, nursing provided the "magic reset button" when Keziah needed a reboot.
To be perfectly honest, there were moments during this season where I was "over it". One nursling was hard enough. Two was utterly draining some days. And I started to think maybe child-led weaning was a myth. Maybe I did have to declare a weaning day and simply cut her off. What if she never wanted to stop! But by now I had met several "extended breastfeeding" mamas and they all assured me that yes, she would wean eventually and to treasure the time because it's gone in a flash. And so we pressed on.
What Weaning Looks Like
As age three rolled around, Keziah was nursing three times a day, as soon as she woke up, during Reuel's nap, and right before bed. Unless there was some sort of stress in her life, that was the pattern most days. Then one day in March, she woke up and just started talking to me. As we headed downstairs I wondered if she noticed she had forgotten to nurse. I didn't say anything. She nursed a few more mornings and then we were down to twice a day. I figured the bedtime nursing would be the last to go, but it wasn't. Sometime in June (age three and a half), we went to bed one night and I started nursing Reuel as I did every night, but instead of coming to her side, she just crawled in bed. Some nights she would notice and say, 'whoops I forgot to nurse,' and then crawl up to her side. But she didn't even stay latched long enough to get anything. She was just going through the motions. And so the bedtime feeding was soon dropped easily and effortlessly. The Reuel's-nap-time feeding was the last to go because that was our special one-on-one time. Since Keziah no longer napped, we designated nap time as her special time with mommy. We would read books, play games with small pieces that had to be put away when Reuel was awake, talk, and always nurse. Keziah's love language is quality time and these moments each day were absolutely crucial to her feeling loved and secure. But as fall approached, there would be days where she wouldn't ask to nurse. She was content to just snuggle up with me and a book. Or she would become so excited about playing with her Snow White cottage that she would forget about nursing. She was, in fact, growing out of the need to nurse, just as everyone had assured me she would. Nursing every few days soon turned into once a week, then once every other week, then once a month.
We talked about nursing a lot. She knew that nursing was for babies and little kids and that big kids don't nurse because they don't need to anymore. Sometimes I would ask her if she was done nursing. She would usually reply, "No, I'm still little." One time a friend commented on what a big girl she was and she got all huffy and replied, "I'm not big, I'm still little, and I still get to nurse." During one of our conversations about nursing I asked her if four was too big to nurse. She replied that four was a big kid and she wouldn't need to nurse when she turned four. I debated holding her to that, but it turned out to be irrelevant because by the time her 4th birthday arrived, she hadn't nursed in at least a month.
As the eve of December 28th approached I wondered if she remembered what she had said. I wanted to feel her out, see what her thoughts were on nursing, but my mama-gut said to leave the topic alone. The day before her birthday she was talking to her grandmother (my mom) and simply stated that when she turned four she wouldn't need to nurse anymore. When my mom relayed to me what she had said, I was somewhat surprised. We hadn't talked about nursing in months. Since I now knew she was thinking about it, I wondered if she would ask to nurse that day - one last time. As we laid in bed chatting that night, I tried to give her every opportunity to ask to nurse, but stopped short at offering. She talked about Christmas, princesses, and how excited she was about her birthday. And then she rolled over and went to sleep. As I walked downstairs, the bittersweetness of it all hit me. She was done. She was growing up. She was weaned.
Four Years Old (covered in chocolate icing)
I held my breath a little throughout January, wondering of she would ask. She sees her brother nurse several times a day, but these days she carries on about her business and ignores us. And so it happened. Keziah weaned. Gently and slowly, we got there. So gently and slowly, I didn't even recognize it when it happened. So I have no memory of our last time. (More than likely, it was short and sweet, a quick emotional check-in before she asked me to play with her.) And honestly, I'm perfectly fine with that.
Final Thoughts
I've been nursing nonstop for over four years now. Has it always been easy? Of course not! Have the benefits and joys outweighed the challenges? Absolutely! Do I have any regrets? Not a one!
